Making the Most of your Marriage

Making the Most of your Marriage

"And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in
tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): Verily in that are Signs for those
who reflect". [al-Room 30:21]

Tafsir Ibn Kathir

(And among His signs is this that He created for you wives from among yourselves,) meaning, `He created females of your own kind, to be wives for you.' that you may find repose in them,) This is like the Ayah, (It is He Who has created you from a single person, and He has created from him his wife, in order that he might enjoy the pleasure of living with her) (7:189). This refers to Hawwa'. Allah created her from Adam, from the short rib on his left. If Allah had made Adam’s entire progeny male, and created the females from another kind, such as from Jinn or animals, there would never have been harmony between them and their spouses. There would have been revulsion if the spouses had been from a different kind. Out of Allah's perfect mercy He made their wives from their own kind, and created love and kindness between them. For a man stays with a woman because he loves her, or because he feels compassion towards her if they have a child together, or because she needs him to take care of her, etc. (Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect.)

Alhamdulillah you have found the right mate. Insha Allah

Excellent, but how do you keep the feeling alive and work at creating a dynamic, growing relationship?

Many of us fail to keep talking, to keep asking questions and to keep our partnership fresh and loving. The divorce rate reflects the death of romantic love after a short honeymoon period. Romantic love is delicious - all sweaty palms and heart palpitations, and long nights of passion, and talking. Two become one for a time and life is bliss.

This state cannot last. Experience shows us clearly that the world creeps slowly back into our love-bubble and we start to lead separate lives again.  We need to work to replace romantic love with friendship and a slow-burning passion that permeates all aspects of our dealings with our partner.

This is based on communication, staying interested in your partner and your partnership. The developing friendship does not mean the end of wonderful passion but it does mean understanding that a lasting relationship is so much more than physical attraction.

When children arrive, the pressures on the two of you are exponentially greater. Your time and attention become diverted away from the love of your life. This spells trouble if you have not established clear ground rules. Drifting apart is the easy option. Working hard to keep your love alive is just that - hard work at times.

Questions to share with your husband

Use these as a way of focusing on your love and your future.

·         Do I show you that I love you?

·         Do you love me?

·         Do you like me as a person?

·         Do we have fun together?

·         Do you feel appreciated by me?

·         Is there anything that you want to tell me about you?

·         Has being with me changed anything in you for the better/worse?

·         Do we both understand our roles and are trying to please Allah?

·         Have I changed since we got together?

·         If I have, is this OK with you?

Take the time to listen to each other's answers. Listening can be more important than speaking at times. 

There are some basic concepts to consider when listening in important situations.

Step one is to receive the message, which means you need to stop talking. Step two is to understand or comprehend the message. Step three is to make sure that you got the message right and to absorb it. All that needs to happen before you reply. Your mood, your thoughts and your perceptions can all cloud your understanding of the message.

Is this starting to sound difficult? Well, it is difficult, which is why so few of us are effective listeners.

You also have to keep in mind that a lot is not being said. To get at the deeper, underlying meaning of a message, you need to listen attentively and gently. Your partner is hopefully precious to you and deserves your undivided attention. Ask the questions and then wait for the answers.

Alhamdulillah for all the things He has given us, now that we have them we have to show gratitude. Our marriages are no different, show that you are grateful and make it known that you care. Remember their will be hard times and bad days, but if we learn to communicate, respect each other, and love each other for the pleasure of Allah, then Insha Allah we will have lasting marriages.